Browse Professor Quotes

Now, imagine your naked, and you're up against a wall. No, no! Imagine your DEAD, and I'm drawing a chalkline around your body.

—Wayne Kramer discusses silhouette

Now, Tell me what your doing for your TEW.

—Wayne Kramer, Discusses Div "2"

I like to bring my maternal side into the classroom every once in a while.

—Stephanie Levin

Ok, let's see what number 42 has to say about life.

—Ken Hoffman, Statistics, asking which problem students would like to go over
MY SON BLAH BLAH BLAH
—John Drabinski, Every Class He Teaches
I want to hear a poem about moshing now.
—Nell Arnold (after a student's piece desribed moshing)
To those studious amongst us, High Times was less a pot magazine than a literary review. Men of letters, those guys, for sure.
—Professor Drabinski, HACU "Death"
Something funny!
—Professor Jolt, History 101: History of The Daily Jolt
Your script is good, but I think it could use more kickflips
—Michael Elyanow screen writing
There's no such thing as a real bimbo, i mean, there are silly people....men and women!
—Vivek Bhandari
I'm very excited about this leaf.
—Nell Arnold, in reference to an "object" a student had brought in in response to a story.
And I hope you all plan on going to Grad school, because a Bachelor's Degree will have you managing a McDonald's.
—Kathleen Brown-Perez (on a tirade about personal responsibility)
Particles go up, particles go down!
—Salman Hameed, Lure of the Paranormal
I hate this classroom more than I've hated anything in my entire life. Except Neoliberalism.
—Prof. Christina Hanhardt
That would be hot.
Doesn't Paris Hilton say that?
That would be hawt.
—Prof. Christina Hanhardt, "Making Community: Meanings & Methods"
...so we Wonkavision the bat.
—Laura Sizer, Philosophy of Mind
In the opinion of men, all women are mentally ill.
—Christoph Cox, Alienation
Just think of beer as yeast piss
—Ken Hoffman, NS-160: Calculus in Context
One of the things that mathematicans worry about when it rains is the rational numbers.
—David Kelly, Puzzles and Paradoxes
Prof: Actually the Buddha did have to defend himself sometimes.
Student: Oh really?
Prof: He loved.
Student: *pause* I was hoping for flying powers or something.
—Steve Heim in his class Buddhist Traditions
Unconditional love for all beings is the natural state of an enlightened mind.
—Alan Hodder, Mystics and Texts, explaining the function of love in the Buddhist tradition.
I have a lot more carats than normal people.
—Mark Feinstein speaking of his own idiolect in CS-201: Phonetics and Phonology
1994. Wow. Most of you probably weren't even born then.
—Professor C. Hanhardt, Queer Cultures
Does anyone have any cat allergies? I'm very aware of cat trouble, and queer culture involves a lot of cats.
—Professor C. Hanhardt, Queer Cultures (discussing a field trip to the Sexual Minorities Archives)
I'm not mad that I don't have a penis.... A woman might say.
—Abe Zablocki, Theorizing Religion, during a class on Freud
Race is really fucked up here
—Jill Lewis on how American perceptions of race are based on skin color instead of other identities; a concept kind of foreign to her.
My son just got thrown of class because he peed on his teacher
—Rhiannon Hart after answering a phone call from her son's school
The reason I think he is doing something that nobody has done is becasue nobody has done it so badly -refering to the author of our book's claim that he is breaking new ground with his book.
—Professor Ray Coppinger, CS 260: Cognative Ethology
current robotic pets are...very primitive even when compared to bacteria
—Lee Spector on robotic pet toys.
Both sides are bad-- It's the American view of objectivity.
—UMass Professor of Arabic Tayeb El-Hibri, on the American media's view of Israeli-Palestinian conflict
Doubt is the first doorway to enlightenment.
—Wang Chuk Dorje Negi on how doubt can be a good thing
In the folklore, when some of these people come up, they are just darned small.
—Robert Meagher, Professor of Humanities, on whether or not the "little people" of Ireland are really little.
And so you have evolved by the same process as turkeys. Think about that this Thanksgiving.
—Professor Ray Coppinger, CS/NS 101 Animal Behavior, following a discussion of eyesight in turkeys and the theorization that humans developed from primates in the same way that domestic turkeys developed from wild turkeys, having their development arrested
Ultimate reality is fried sweet potatos.
—Professor Lester Mazor, SS 399 Perspectives on Time, concluding a discussion on cultural relativity
I'm not witty. I'm funny as a motherfucker, but I'm not witty.
—Robin Lewis, Art Matters, explaining the difference between humor and wit.
When I was in school they had a rule that you could have a member of the opposite sex in your room only if you had the door open and three feet on the floor...they were very unimaginative about positions!
—Carol Bengelsdorf, SS 274, Postmodernity and Politics
Son-of-a-bitch doesn't even know how to end a novel!
—Joanna Hubbs, during "The World of Dostoevsky"
OK, let's have a vote. Who thinks it's little bunny foo-foo? OK, now who thiks its little rabbit foo-foo? Hmmm.
—Megan Williams, Mt. Holyoke, wasting class time with this moronic vote.
I dated Jimmy Hoffa's daughter.
—Stan Warner, giving a guest lecture on corporate crime in "Crime and Punishment"
You would look really healthy, except for that green undertone.
—Professor Laurie Nisonoff, commenting on the return of a student who had just returned from sick days
The nose is 100% phallic!
—Joanna Hubbs, in Three Russian Writers, referring to a Gogol story.
I've studies nutrition and the one thing I know for sure is that people need their burgers. No one made it across the Berring Strait on berries! Yep, the whole ice free corridor was lined with McDonalds!
—Alan Goodman (Geoarcheology) on the the nutritional needs of people migrating across the Berring Strait.
Marx likes beavers...
—Christophe Cox "Forerunners of Contemporary Thought" referring to how Marx likes the "social animals"
Roberta: On the way out, make sure to get a daffodill. We're so good to you kids. Every year we give you daffodills, you know, in honor of springtime...

Me: ...and cancer...

Roberta: ...Springtime, and cancer--you gotta think about the good things.
—Roberta, at lunch
I'm interested to see if women and men cut my monkey differently.
—Ventura Perez talking about an experiment he is planning to use as part of his PHD.
you've got to get out all the crap so you can lay the golden egg
—Becky Packard on writing a draft for our final papers, Educational Psychology Mount Holokye
It turns out to be very easy to move the universe, but it's really hard to move your eyeball.
—Ken Hoffman, Linear Algebra, referring to 3-d modelling
I think I was actually conceived at Fenway Park.
—Bob Rakoff, when asked if he was a Red Sox fan
(1) All bleeps are blips.(2) Sneech is a bleep. (3) Sneech is a blip. Got it?
—Professor Sizer, CS 202 Philosophy of Mind on validity.
Either you have good umi, or you just get shit.
—Christoph Cox, explaining the aesthetic realist and relativist positions.
Psychologist theorists to the rescue!
—Rachel Conrad, Changing Childhoods, regarding motives for the texts about the readings.
I have to write this on the board, it's a great word to use at cocktail parties.
—Joanna Hubbs, The World Of Fyodor Dostoevsky, discussing hubris
It's not easy to kill that many people.
—Bob Meagher. Camus
People want all the kids to be from Lake Wobegon, above average.
—Maddie Marquez, criticizing how people use exceptional kids to dispute that many kids are discriminated against in schools.
Were people masturbating in 1825? I think so, yes.
—Professor Len Glick, SS 143: European Jewish Communities (Yiddish Literature)
Men are indiscriminately eager; they'll stick their prick into a hole in a tree! But to know how to do that with a woman...that they have to be taught!
—Lynn Miller, NS 198, Ever Since Darwin
If you want to pull the trigger, just go ahead
—Peter Kallock passing around cordless drills in Stagecraft class
If you were up to your neck in snot and somebody threw a shitball at you, would you duck?
—Ken Hoffman, in NS 316,Linear Algebra, describing the current options of the U.S.government
The reason Crouching Tiger won so many awards is because it kicks royal fuckin' ass!
—Professor Mario D'Amato, HACU 159- History of Taoism
and he looked at the old man and exclaimed, Jesus, I never knew such suffering existed...
—Mario D'Amato, on Siddhartha's reaction to the four sights
He had his shit together.
—Carolee Bengelsdorf, Russian and Cuban Revolutions, SS 249, describing Lenin
S^(-1)TS is the most important idea in mathmatics, possibly the whole world.
—David Kelly substituting for Keneth Hoffman: CS/NS 316 linear algebra
Why can't you be a mench?!
—Professor L. Glick, Vanished World: European Jewish Communities as Portrayed through Fiction and Memoirs
How do you say, 'I ate the cat?'
—Mark Feinstein, Changing Languages: On word order
I had a professor really freak out once over a video, you know, like 'arghhhh' and banging his crutches against the wall. If I had them I'd do it too.
—Bethany Ogdon, The City & the Screen
At some schools this would be called a quiz. I call it a nudge in the direction of learning.
—Chris Perry, CS 197, The Art and Science of Digital Imaging, explaining his little in-class quiz
I don't want to do that whole acting school thing. I just want one of my Hampshire students to make it big and discover me one day
—Mario D'Amato, Religion and Film
How can you talk about PHP without talking about porn?
—Ryan Moore
Definitions of things that have no use are useless... by definition.
—Mario D'Amato, Religion and Film
Are you telling me this table doesn't exist? (pointing to a chair) Oh wait, this is a chair. Are you telling me THIS table table doesn't exist?
—Jutta Sperlig, Making of the Modern Body, on how her friend gets criticized for calling things a social construct. She spent several minutes pointing to a chair and calling it a table, purely by accident.
We have no way of knowing that he did not withhold his essence.
—Mario D'Amato: Religion and Film
Philosophy is NOT those late night, chemically-assisted conversations you hold in your dorm rooms...
—Laura Sizer, Emotions in the Brain
They're very fond of badgers.
—Ken Hoffman, Nature Naturalists and Writers (in reference to the English)
You know one day you're going to try to go home and it all will have sunk into the sea.
—Roberta, on California
Your next homework assignment? Get drunk and sleep in a ditch for a while. See what happens.
—The Irish creative writing professor I have on my study abroad program
Ok, everyone, I've got some big news. Me and my wife are going to get goats.
—Ben James, Art and Craft of Lieing
We don't need drugs, we act.
—Davor Diklich, Process of Staging a Play
YOU of all people shouldn't go walking in the woods. Not with a jacket like THAT!
—Roberta, on my friend walking in the woods with a brown jacket during hunting season
Yes, we're revolutionaries; we also like really nice shoes.
—Deb Gorlin, Writing About the Good Life
It isn't cheesy. Cheese sticks.
—Paul Jenkins, on someone's poem.
We're experiencing testicle difficulties. That's what they'd say at a drag show. No, seriously.
—Jane Couperous, Sex on the Brain, regarding the projector in the room not working so well.
Writing papers--what an embarassing thing to talk about. I mean, it's kind of on the same level as masturbation.
—Eric Schocket, HACU 297: Literature and Culture of the 1930s
It's like comparing apples and oranges. Sure, it's not apples and apples. But say you were interested in Vitamin C. There's Vitamin C in both!
—Brown Kennedy, trying to explain how different things can still be related, Changing Childhoods
There is some age at which it is not a good idea to remove half the brain.
—Laura Sizer, CS-0132
All of the white people have been sitting at one table for a long time and nobody has noticed.
—Greg Prince, in the community council meeting on racism, commenting about race segregation
Professor: *puts book on head* This is the anti-realist hat.

Student: No wonder there aren't very many.
—Ernie Alleva, CS 178
You would never mistake a Chinese woman for a Fijian man.
—Joann W. Kealiinohomoku (Speaker), Transformations
Did they teach you history when you were in school? You know, like Benjamin Franklin and stuff? My son went to school to teach history and they told him he just shouldn't teach it because it wasn't gonna be anymore. How are you kids gonna know about Benjamin Franklin, or all the other Franklins?
—Roberta, after swiping my card for breakfast
We still meet a few times after the election, right? If Bush wins, I'll pass out machine guns.
—Professor Hubbs, Three Russian Writers
Take a unicorn. It's not a horse, it's a unicorn. It's not NOT a horse... you're just making that shit up!
—Mario D'Amato, Buddhist Semiotics, on meaning and definition by exclusion
Zombies are VERY important.
—Mary Russo, Literature Violence & The State
Sex is the ultimate way of honoring God.
—Lili Kim, The History of Love and Dating in the US
There is no hanky panky in Chemistry.
—Dula Amarasiriwardena ~chemistry-202
It's like kicking a dead-- an OBVIOUS horse.
—Professor Parker, Linguistics, on the subject of context in language
Student: ... and that's where it's at.
Mario: Where it's at actually involves two turntables and a microphone.
—Mario D'Amato, Religion and Film, on locative visions of religion and Blade Runner/Thelma and Louise
If you spend all your time making toothpaste, who's going to grow the potatoes?
—Falguni Sheth, Philosophy of Technology (on the subject of capitalism)
Student:If you pull plates far enough apart does magama come up?

TA: No, caramel does.
—Conversation in NS 187, Geology II: using Snickers bars to explain plate tectonics
Let's talk about castration.
—Eric Schocket, in a discussion about Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises
We would have no problem saying that it was wrong with a captial R.
—Abraham Zablocki on sex scandals in Buddhism in his Sex, Gender, and Embodiment in Buddhism class
Yes, that's what it said under the cross: What Women Want.
—J.Hubbs upon reception of answer to question about "the new Mel Gibson movie"

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