Is Hampshire about to invest in Israel Bonds?!!!

posted feb 22 2009, 7:31am by jonhaber

News that divestment advocates at Hampshire have been forced to admit the college DID NOT divest in Israel (but that they will still continue to believe that it did with all their hearts), turned my post-vacation thoughts to parody:

In a further complication to the divestment controversy that continues to roil Hampshire College, today a new student group: Students of Hampshire United to Save Humanity (SHUSH) has issued its own press release arguing that the college’s recent decision to sell shares in a State Street investment fund was meant to free up cash in order to invest a majority of the college’s endowment in Israel Bonds.

“According to our interpretation of recent events,” says Mehmet Bernardo, spokesman for SHUSH, “the original board vote to sell $4 million in school investments was taken to ‘get those SJP jerks off our back for a few weeks so we can get some work done.’ Once the dust clears, the school plans to take that money and invest it entirely in Caterpillar Tractor and Israel Bonds in order to show the SJP protestors just ‘who’s the man.’”

The school administration neither confirms nor denies the truth or falsehood of this or any other claim related to the current controversy or any matter before the college.

“Case closed, then,” says Bernardo, as he finished posting the SHUSH press release on another 800 blogs. “What further proof do you need that the administration is in 100% agreement with us?”

Representatives from Students for Justice in Palestine (SJP) were apoplectic at the recent turn in events. “Those SHUSHers are clearly taking advantage of the ambiguity of administration statements to stuff their own words into the mouth of the college for their own narrow political gain,” claimed SJP spokesperson Morty Frampton. “Don’t they know that’s our job! Besides, we have a petition signed by 21 sociology professors who agree with our interpretation of events. So there! (By the way, did I mention I’m Jewish?)”

SHUSH’s Bernardo was amused by the SJP outcry. “They’re just pissed because our press release got more Diggs than they did. And as for their 21 sociology professors, we have a petition signed by 30 members of the math department! Like the SJP sociologists, the people who signed our petition haven’t the slightest idea how the schools’ investment/divestment decisions get made. But we’ve got 30 of them! And they teach math!”